The Door in the Wall

Cruising to the dark heart of Western society

2012-02-01T12:03:00.001Z

The documentary maker Adam Curtis has a blog, and in it he gives his own thoughts on the history of the cruise ship industry. Suffice to say it's a roller-coaster ride of misplaced idealism, snobbery, greed, and idiocy. Depending on the kind of day you've had you may find it hilarious or profoundly depressing. But I learned a lot, not least the fact that, originally, the modern luxury cruise liner was designed to being First and Third Worlds closer together:

Kloster and Arison are today seen as the founders of the modern cruise industry. Their first boat, the Sunward, started taking middle-class Americans on week-long cruises to Jamaica from Miami - and it was an immediate success. They also became close friends.

Kloster believed that the aim of capitalism was not just to make money but to use its power to improve society. He saw the world as divided between the rich, industrial west - and the "third world" which was struggling to escape from the debilitating legacy of colonialism, and the still vastly unequal distribution of global power.

So his cruise ships were going to remedy that.

Kloster hated the idea that his liners were just going to take white middle class Americans on cheap holidays in other peoples' hell and misery. He supported the left-wing politicians in Jamaica who said "Tourism is Whorism".

Wow. The fact that a man called Knut Kloster (I kid you not) was behind the modern cruise ship is fascinating in itself. But how was he going to actually help the Jamaican people?

Kloster held brainstorming sessions in the company to come up with new ideas that would provoke the American tourists to engage with the lives of those they were pointing their cameras at. One brilliant suggestion was that women workers in a Jamaican coffee factory should be given instamatic cameras so they could take picture of the passengers as they toured past them. The aim was to make the tourists feel what it was like to be watched and snapped as if they were animals in a zoo.

In a wonderful and perceptive history of the cruise industry called Devils on the Deep Blue Sea, Kristoffer Garin has described another scheme that Kloster dreamt up. It was called "New Experiences", and involved having a "Jamaican Family in Residence" on each cruise.
The New York Times described what was supposed to happen:

"The passengers will be invited to meet the Jamaicans informally, to dine together, drink, dance and play together, to ask questions and pump them for all kinds of information in friendly conversations with no holds barred, including political and racial problems."

Double wow. If you want to know what happened next, you'll have to mosey on over to Adam Curtis's blog. (Spoiler - what happened next was not good.)

Richard Dawkins support for Salman Rushdie

2012-01-31T12:27:00.000Z

He's said it before, he'll say it again. It needs saying.

Two nations, common language

2012-01-30T19:44:00.006Z

Sometimes you have a right old larf at an escalation of international tension in the sensitive Gulf region.

The Pentagon is rushing a “mothership” to the Middle East to be used by commando teams as unrest in the region heightens, reports The Washington Post.

The U.S. Navy is planning to refit the USS Ponce, an amphibious transport docking ship, which was about to be retired and decommissioned.

It really is called that.

I understand that the Ponce will be part of a NATO taskforce, in which Great Britain will be represented by HMS Douchenozzle. Over and out.

Samurai Dave

2012-01-29T08:31:00.000Z

In noodling around the interwebs for stuff on snow in Japan (see previous post) I came across a shedload of stuff. How could I resist Samurai Dave, a man who knows his Ninjas?

Typical

2012-01-29T08:08:00.001Z

What is wrong with this bleedin' country? A little bit of snow falls and everything goes to pants. Transport systems fail, and people fall over because they've forgotten that frozen water is slippery. I'll bet they order things better elsewhere:

Snow fell in Tokyo and vicinity from Monday night through early Tuesday morning and covered the capital for the first time this season, causing people to slip and suffer injuries and disrupting rail and road traffic services.

As of 10 a.m., 53 people had been taken to hospital by ambulance in Tokyo, the Tokyo Fire Department said.

East Japan Railway Co. temporarily suspended some services on the Hachiko Line linking Hachioji in western Tokyo with the city of Takasaki, Gunma Prefecture, as frozen wires failed to transmit electricity to trains at Hachioji Station.

Train services on the Togane Line in Chiba Prefecture came to a halt due to pantograph problems, while those on the Keiyo Line that links the Tokyo terminal station with the city of Chiba were suspended due to point troubles at a rail yard in Chiba.

Oh. I suppose that, when it's comparatively rare, snow buggers up the most orderly of societies.

Galileo would be chuffed

2012-01-26T21:34:00.002Z

You can find this picture of Jupiter and its four largest moons - which were discovered by Galileo when he got a telescope for Christmas* - over at the Planetary Society site. It is the sort of image that Mr Galilei might have seen himself, way back in January, 1610. But there is something remarkable about this crude image. It was taken by a camera on a space probe in the vicinity Mars. The Rosetta spacecraft took some images of the Red Planet, too, which it had just passed on its way to rendezvous with a comet.

Truly this is an age of wonders. If the human race, or something like it, survives for a few hundred years more, I suspect the achievements of spacecraft like Rosetta will figure at least as highly as any earthbound event.

*This statement is not historically accurate.

Who Meme

2012-01-25T23:08:00.001Z

Want to feel really old? Watch this

2012-01-24T19:31:00.000Z

Science fiction writer John Scalzi introduces his defenceless 13-year-old daughter to the technology of the ancients.

The Tunnel Under the World

2012-01-24T11:05:00.002Z

It's a truism to say that science fiction is about the present, not the future. It's not always true, though. J.G. Ballard's stories about Vermilion Sands were, according to the author, a genuine attempt to guess what the future would be like. However, intelligent science fiction often deals with contemporary concerns, and is all the better for it.

Which brings me to 'The Tunnel Under the World', by Frederick Pohl. I've managed to acquire both radio and TV adaptations of this classic Fifties story. If you don't know it, watching the extract from the British series Out of the Unknown above will give you some idea how it starts. You can also read the story for free here, and it seems to be a kosher download. Anyway, let's enter the realm of the SPOILER ALERT.

If you're still with me, the story goes like this. The place is Tyler Town, somewhere in the USA. The time is the near-ish future, in a world where robots do a great deal of manual/admin work. Ordinary company accounts clerk Guy Burkhardt wakes up on June 15th in a a bit of a state, having just dreamed of a terrifying explosion. Weirdly, his wife Mary has just had the same dream. Co-incidence? Telepathy? But the frightening shared dream is just the first in a series of weird events that beset Burkhardt during the course of what should be an ordinary day in the accounts department of Contro Chemicals.

Firstly, an old friend, Henry Swanson, fails to recognise him on the bus to work. Secondly, there seems to be a lot of advertising material for new products around - new brands of cigarettes, new makes of household appliance. And the ads are in themselves strange, because they go for a more than usually hard sell...

"Have you got a freezer? It stinks! If it isn't a Feckle Freezer, it stinks! If it's a last year's Feckle Freezer, it stinks! Only this year's Feckle Freezer is any good at all! You know who owns an Ajax Freezer? Fairies own Ajax Freezers! You know who owns a Triplecold Freezer? Commies own Triplecold Freezers! Every freezer but a brand-new Feckle Freezer stinks!"

What is going on? Well, Guy Burkhardt goes home after his odd day at work, has dinner with Mary, sits down to read before going to bed, and then... Wakes up screaming after exactly the same nightmare, and finds that he's reliving the same day, June 15th - only with subtle shifts in the type of advertising he's bombarded with. Oh, and this time Mary didn't share the dream...

This time on the bus to work Henry Swanson again pretends not to know Guy - but quietly arranges for them to meet later. Henry has a theory. The town has been taken over by some outside agency - Russians? Martians? - who have somehow brainwashed everyone. Henry has evidence - the tunnel of the title. A mysterious complex has somehow been constructed under the town. Further probing leads the friends to a control room, where data are being processed by robotic machines - information on the effectiveness of various advertising methods.

The whole town, they realise, is a behavioural laboratory. It's nothing to do with Martians, but with humans interested in developing the perfect marketing method. Burkhardt resolves to escape and get to the FBI, but then Dorchin, the chief market researcher, appears. After a violent struggle, the truth is revealed. Burkhardt and Swanson, and most of the population of their home town, are dead. They died on the night of the 14th after the chemical plant exploded. Their brain patterns have been recorded and imprinted on the electronic brains of life-like robots. And those robots live out one day over and over again.

"There were the homes where even the brains had been utterly destroyed, and those are empty inside, and the cellars that needn't be too perfect, and the streets that hardly matter. And anyway, it only has to last for one day. The same day—June 15th—over and over again; and if someone finds something a little wrong, somehow, the discovery won't have time to snowball, wreck the validity of the tests, because all errors are canceled out at midnight."

The final twist is that, quite logically, Dorchin and his experts haven't rebuilt the town to scale, but instead constructed it as a tabletop model. Burkhardt, Swanson, and all the rest are tiny, doll-like figures, switched off and reprogrammed nightly.

So, what we have is the first 'virtual reality' story. The 'hero' turns out to be nothing more than a dead man's memories, barely human at all, and his life consists of an endless round of experiments designed to make it easier for corporate interests to influence society. All this in a story published in 1955, slap-bang in the middle of America's post-war economic boom. It's still a powerful image today; modern society as a closed system, with no past and no future, in which we are all just little robots programmed to buy things.

DO IT!

2012-01-23T13:51:00.000Z

Red Planet Mars (1951)

2012-01-20T22:53:00.004Z

If you like old sci-fi movies, you have to learn to endure a certain amount of disappointment. If you choose to watch a film entitled Attack of the Crab Monsters you're obviously not expecting Citizen Kane - or even Citizen Smith. But it's not the outright bad movies that test your fortitude so much as the mediocre ones. Most postwar Hollywood science fiction was just plain forgettable stuff - poorly-scripted, woodenly acted, directed by numbers and lacking in any vital spark of idea or imagery.

This is particularly true of movies produced from the mid-Fifites onward, when the drive-in movie boom was well under way and most of the best ideas had been used and plagiarised to death. Most of the best old-time sci-fi comes from the early Fifties, most of the real dreck surfaces from about 1957 onwards. And certainly if you're looking for something a bit different, a little experimental, the early part of that most of atomic of decades is the best place to start.

Which brings me to Red Planet Mars, a film that seems to subvert just about every convention of Hollywood science fiction, while at the same being profoundly serious and in many ways rather entertaining. I had no idea what to expect when I started watching it recently. But the title led me to believe that I'd be getting either Martians visiting Earth or Earthmen visiting Mars, with a fair bit of conflict and scientific double-talk. Instead I got what I suppose must be seen as a piece of Cold War propaganda.

What's different about Red Planet Mars? Firstly, it's entirely earthbound. Secondly, we never get to see a Martian. Thirdly, the script tackles the Cold War head on instead of via the usual metaphors about alien invaders and such like. And Fourthly, a distinctly odd sub-plot and grande finale left me wondering what the heck it was really all about.

Warning - honking great spoilers ahead

The story begins in the carefully-unspecified near future. The scene is an observatory where a bunch of astronomers are obtaining the best ever photos of the Red Planet. They discover to their amazement that the Martians have just melted their polar ice cap and channelled the run-off water through a mighty system of canals. This is of course a view of Mars that was obsolete even then. Percival Lowell's idea of an advanced, canal-building civilization was never accepted among astronomers and had been debunked by the Thirties. But that's a minor point in a work of fiction.

The important point is that the photos are viewed by a husband and wife team of radio engineers, the Cronyns, played by Peter Graves (who later starred in Mission Impossible) and Andrea King. They have been beaming simple messages at Mars using an advanced transmitter incorporating captured Nazi hardware. So far all the Martians have done is re-transmit the signals sent to them (and it's explained in proper scientific terms why these are not simple echoes). But Chris Cronyn thinks a breakthrough is coming. His wife Linda is less optimistic - she fears contacting the Martians might make an already fraught global situation even worse.

Meanwhile (there's always a meanwhile) in the Andes, renegade Nazi scientist Franz Calder (Herbert Berghof) has built a powerful transmitter thanks to support from the Soviets. He persuades his Kremlin paymasters to abandon any thought of contacting Mars itself because, he points out, the Cronyns will be able to listen in to any messages. Instead, why not eavesdrop on the Americans and learn everything they do? Thus will the Western imperialists be thwarted.

All of which is academic unless the Cronyns can get a reply. Enter the older of their two typically cute sons, who suggests sending pi - or at least, the first few digits in the never-ending irrational number. So the Cronyns send 3.1415... Sure enough, after a pause for the signals to get there and back, plus some Martian thinking time, the reply is 3.14159. A basis for coded communications is established.

US Navy codebreaker Admiral Carey and his team are assigned to decipher the Martian messages and the president - rather improbably - refuses to have their findings classified as top secret. Instead the replies are simply released to the press. This is where the plot creaks very badly for the first time, and it gets worse. The Martians answer questions about conditions on their planet by describing a seeming Utopia. Everyone lives for 300 years, there's abundant 'cosmic' energy, and a square mile of land feeds a thousand people. Well, Martians. The result of this information is the near total collapse of the West's economy.

Why? You may well ask. The stock market folds because it's somehow expected that Martian knowhow will become available almost instantly and render coal, oil and existing agricultural methods obsolete. This makes no sense, and the idiocy is capped by claims that the economy can't sustain pensioners living for centuries in retirement. Bear in mind that at no point do the Martians transmit any information about their actual technology, merely sweeping claims about the wonderful stuff it can do. Yet this is enough to cause a run on the banks and a major Depression.

This is of course delightful to the lads in the Kremlin, who don't have to worry about pork belly futures. The Soviet premier (Stalin apparently died a while back) toys with idea of conquering the West. The American president rather belatedly orders future Martian messages to be kept secret, and rejects his generals' advice to attack the Soviets in a pre-emptive war. It would, he asserts, be immoral to start a war. They don't make fictional presidents like they used to.

But then another message is decoded. It's the response to the question: How come you Martians haven't blown yourselves up yet? The reply is explicitly religious in character, with a reference to the Sermon on the Mount, no less. It seems that Mars has had a visit from Jesus, and indeed he may still be knocking about up there and running the show. Certainly the message, and those that follow, are steeped in sentiments of the 'God is love, peace be with you all' variety.

This leads to a wave of religiosity in the West, and - courtesy of the Voice of America - a sudden upsurge in Orthodox belief in the Soviet Union. At first the thugs in the Kremlin assume they'll simply be able to machine gun the workers and peasants into obedience, but soon things spiral out of control and before you can say Solzhenitsyn, the Orthodox Patriarch is running a provisional government and the Soviet Union is no more. In a rather perfunctory aside the nice president explains that the Martians' message isn't just for Christians, but incorporates the core values of all faiths. Again, the plot creaks, but it's still powerful stuff.

Blimey. You'd think that would be enough, but no - there's a crazy twisteroo. The Cronyns are puzzling as to why Mars has been silent for a few days when renegade Nazi scientist Calder - who we think was killed in an avalanche earlier and may well have forgotten - turns up at their lab. He is seriously cheesed off at having his revolutionary 'hydrogen valve' appropriated by the Americans and would like his share of the glory, please. But there's more. He whips out his notebook, showing that he has logged all the Cronyns messages - and claims that he, not the Martians, sent all the replies! That's why Mars fell silent - his transmitter was swept away. It was all a tremendous hoax! But why?

Calder, in full gloating villain mode, explains that he took his revenge on the powers that destroyed his beloved Third Reich by first undermining the West's economy, then scuppering the Soviets' ideology. Now all he has to do is reveal the truth and watch the world he despises go up in flames. He even quotes a suitable bit of Milton, like a Class A baddie. However, Linda Cronyn points out that the replies Calder says he gave aren't consistent with the ones Admiral Carey's team decoded.

Is Calder in fact totally bonkers as only a film Nazi can be, or are the saintly Martians the biggest hoax in history? Well, with Calder no longer signalling, any reply to the Cronyns' latest message must be authentic. The time-lag for radio waves, a bit of authentic science, here provides a nice bit of dramatic tension. But just in case he is telling the truth, our heroes decide to blow the place up (Calder's hydrogen valve coming in very handy as a plot device) and so let the world continue to thrive in peace and harmony, albeit thanks to a far from noble lie. Well...

When the credits roll, it's not THE END that appears on the screen, but the plonkingly resonant words THE BEGINNING. It's that kind of film - a sort of B-plus movie. For the first time Hollywood tackled the idea that simply receiving messages from extraterrestrial intelligence might be enough to throw our world into turmoil. No need for death rays and monsters - mere knowledge can be more than enough to frighten and derange humanity. While beating the Cold War drum and shunning spectacle makes Red Planet Mars an oddity that doesn't quite work as convincing drama, it's one of the most interesting failures of science fiction cinema.

Thinking of a Kodak

2012-01-19T10:41:00.000Z

'If only I had thought of a Kodak! I could have flashed that glimpse of the Underworld in a second, and examined it at leisure.' The Time Machine Ch.6.

Pocket Kodak, 1895

Wells' Time Traveller quite rightly laments the fact that he didn't set off into the distant future with proper kit. He's a bit like one of those idiots who goes climbing in the Cairngorms in December equipped with some trainers, jeans, and a packet of Quavers. Oh, and a mobile phone so he can call mountain rescue people to come and risk their lives on his behalf. The Time Traveller can't call anyone, though, so just has to stumble through the tunnels of the Morlocks with a box of matches and some Victorian audacity.

Anyway, such is the nature of time (a dimension of space, apparently) that the Kodak will soon be no more. Or at least, it will be a thing of museums and private collections, and of course film and TV prop departments. Because anyone making historical drama that involves photography will have to pay due tribute to the hand-held stills camera.

Kodak became synonymous with photography, particularly the amateur kind, in the Sixties and Seventies. I suppose it's a fairly obvious fact that, as soon as a firm achieves near-total market dominance, it tends to get a bit lazy and ignore innovation.

My favourite Kodak fact? The word was invented so as to create a distinctive brand name that couldn't possibly be mispronounced. Other facts here.

Kodak also went to the moon with Apollo 11. The stereo close-up camera, seen below in the foreground, had a special handle so astronauts could operate it despite wearing clumsy spacesuit gloves.

'Buzz, did you remember the camera?'

Civil War in Syria

2012-01-17T12:18:00.000Z

I was surprised to learn that there's an official, or at least generally accepted, definition of civil war in terms of numbers. The issue is tackled in the US political blog The Monkey Cage. Blogger Erica Chenoweth gives the following definition:

two or more armed groups are fighting within state borders over some incompatibility (change of leadership/government, territory, or major policy issue);

one of the combatant groups is the government;

at least 1,000 people have died due to combat; and

at least 100 people have died on either side of the conflict.

It's certainly the case that the Syrian conflict meets these criteria. My first thought, though, was whether the Troubles in Northern Ireland also qualify as civil war?

According to Wikipedia the total number who died in the Northern Ireland conflict from the late Sixties to 1998 is 3,526. Of those 1,855 were civilians. At least 100 died on either side of the conflict, counting British military and police as one side and various paramilitaries (who in reality often killed each other) as their opponents. The British army suffered over 500 dead. The IRA - the biggest paramilitary force involved - lost nearly 300 members.

So, it seems that a civil war started in the UK in the late Sixties and continued till the late Nineties. But the term was never accepted among the general populace on the British mainland, and never gained mainstream political currency at Westminster.

Awkward Stock Photos

2012-01-14T15:05:00.002Z

I often think that blog posts can be livened up by images, but of course one can't just go around purloining photos left right and... Well, yes, I know everyone does it. But we shouldn't. We should pay one of those brilliant, professional agencies for superb stock photos like, well, these.

Some sort of rap-based medical practice?

Erm... Republican presidential hopeful?

I got nothing...

Nope, still nothing

Crusader Amnesia

2012-01-13T14:03:00.001Z

One of the baffling things about the BBC is the way they sometimes produce a documentary series on a subject that was covered in another documentary series screen only a few years before. This is certainly the case with a new series on the Crusades, presented by academic historian Thomas Asbridge.

I find it hard to see why another series is needed so soon after Terry Jones' excellent effort in 2008. You can see Jones' series on YouTube here. It's very good, with plenty of talking heads dispensing knowledge in proper BBC fashion and fairly minimal flapping about in fancy dress.

The Crusades are an important topic, of course. And I suppose it could be argued that Terry Jones, being a wacky Python and all that, didn't achieve the gravitas the BBC might have wanted. But Jones is a real historian, with proper books to his name and everything.

So maybe the BBC has suffered from corporate amnesia i.e. somebody commissioned a new series on the Crusades, having no idea one was done in 2008? This might well happen in a great lumbering bureaucracy indulging in managerial musical chairs.

Well, never mind. I'm sure it will all be jolly good and useful. Judging by an interview with Dr Asbridge on Front Row (available here, it's the first item) he's going to do a thorough job, as one might expect from someone who's written a 700 page book. That won't stop someone writing semi-educated bullshit in the Daily Mail accusing the BBC of bias, though. After all, the West was thoroughly trounced, but only after its brave knights committed numerous atrocities against Christian and Muslim alike. Oh, and Richard I didn't give a toss about England, only about the money it generated for him. Facts, showing their infuriating left-wing bias once again.

Nazi Hunter

2012-01-12T15:51:00.000Z

Adolf Hitler

After years thinking he was dead
new research suggests he may be
alive and living in Lincoln. Most
recently spotted in Ryman's near
Louth. Would be 122. May
have shaved off moustache.
Approach with caution.

I'd never heard of this bloke. Now I have. Thank you internet.

1513 and all that

2012-01-11T12:12:00.007Z

The current kerfuffle over when the Scots get to vote on whether to regain their independence has tended to focus on timing. If the SNP's wily Alex Salmond has way, the vote will be held in the autumn of 2014. This will be just after the 700th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn, when a numerically inferior army under Robert the Bruce trounced an invading force under Edward II. The SNP might benefit from an upsurge in national sentiment.

There is, however, another battle anniversary coming up. Next year sees the 500th anniversary of the Battle of Flodden, or Flodden Field, or Branxton Moor if you like. Whatever you call it, 9th September 1513 was a bad day for Scotland:

The advance of the close-order pike formations of the Scots faltered in the heavy, cloying mud of the marshland and, as the ranks pressed in from behind, footing was lost and their formations fell apart. At this point, the English weighed in with their billhooks, thrusting, cutting and hacking at the Scottish lines. The Scots' pikes were totally unsuited for this type of combat. It is thought that King James died on the field only yards from this point. His army's fate was finally sealed when Stanley's archers arrived through Crookham Dene and launched a flanking attack which prevented their escape. The day belonged to Surrey and England.

So, next year the Northumberland tourist trade might get a bit of a boost, and blokes who like to dress up as late mediaeval warriors will be out in force up the road from my current location. We can also be sure of a crop of books and there's bound to be something on the telly about it.

But will Flodden's anniversary also cause bitter tears to be wept into pints north of the Border? Will Caledonian hearts beat more proudly at the thought that, had Flodden gone the other way, Scotland might never have fallen under England's long shadow?

Hard to say whether memories of a cataclysmic defeat will lead to stronger nationalist sentiment. But it might. Perhaps this is why David 'Ironic Surname' Cameron would like a referendum to take place before all this historical stuff kicks off.

Ray Bradbury on Groucho's "You Bet Your Life"

2012-01-11T11:14:00.000Z

For some reason I've been unable to find John Wyndham's appearance on Play Your Cards Right.

The Great Tesco Cheese Caper

2012-01-11T10:29:00.002Z

Among my Facebook gang, some are very sympathetic toward Anthony Worrall Thompson, while others are more than a little scornful. One person wrote:

Thoughts go out to Anthony Worral Thompson.

Whereupon came the reply :

Yup. Those thoughts are "Thieving sod! Don't you have enough money? If you had to shoplift, surely someone of your wealth would do it from Harrods or somewhere! You cheap tart!"

The celebrity chef's support for the Tory party was also mentioned, which is sort of fair. If someone subscribes to a political ideology that stresses a. personal responsibility for actions and b. punishing people who nick stuff, then he can indeed be seen as a thundering hypocrite. But...

When a celebrity is caught shoplifting I always think of Isobel Barnett. Scots by birth and originally a medical doctor, she was a Leicestershire JP who became noted for her wit. She was recruited by the BBC and rose to prominence in the formal broadcasting environment of the Fifties on the show 'What's My Line?'. She often starred alongside Kenneth Williams. I recall seeing her on Call My Bluff when I was a lad, but by the laid back, long-haired mid-Seventies her broadcasting career was over. But it was to have a very sad coda.

In 1980, Isobel Barnett was back in the spotlight when she was accused of stealing from the village grocer. She insisted on her innocence and opted for a jury trial. She was found guilty of stealing goods worth 87p and fined £75. A few days later she was found dead in her bath. The coroner returned a verdict of suicide.

In the end, mental illness is very democratic. Depression and related illnesses can wreck anyone's life, and while the rich can pay for the best treatment no amount of money can guarantee peace of mind.

That said, some of the internet jokes are good.

The Inimitable Boz (not Scaggs)

2012-01-10T15:43:00.000Z

There's a bit of a Dickens Deluge under way, what with this being the bicentenary of the great man's birth. I like a bit of Inimitable Boz as much as the next semi-literate prole, but is it necessary to read all the novels to know what they're about? Of course not. If you want to have a chat about the author at all those smart parties you go to, try this lazy reader's guide to:

Martin Copperwick

The Remarkable Doings of a Game Young Fellow

(NB The novel was originally subtitled 'Life is a Huge Sack of Total Bastards, I Reckon', until Dickens' publisher pointed out this might be inappropriate for a serial in Captain Cuddly's Friendly Family Emporium of Niceness).

Cast of Characters:

MARTIN COPPERWICK: His mother and father die in childbirth and he is sent to an orphanage-cum-phosphate mine in the Thames Estuary. This bad start in life does not prevent him from rising to prosperous gentility while never doing any discernible work. Catchphrase: 'I was more than a little gobsmacked to discover...'

DOCTOR URCHINSQUASHER: Rip-roaring sociopath who is entrusted with the health and welfare of poor children because his establishment turns in a steady profit. Catchphrase: 'Fetch the biggest flail, Thatcher, me blood is up!'

DOTTY FLAPJACK: Immensely kind, immensely tedious and just plain immense chief cook and bottle-smasher at St Gitts' Academy who takes young Martin under her wing. Catchphrase: 'Ooh my capacious bloomers, the Turks will raddle us all!'

MR JOLLYCAKE: Generous, red-faced, partially-trousered old fellow who exudes good cheer and brandy fumes in equal amounts and is the life and soul of every gathering. Catchphrase: 'Let's have us some bangin' tunes!'

MRS JOLLYCAKE: Kindly, rosy-cheeked, partially-corseted lady who cooks huge meals organises dances, cleans the house, does the washing, and somehow gives birth to 23 children without dropping dead. Catchphrase: 'Lawks, where's me laudanum?'

SHAGGLES: Slightly dense but good-natured cousin of the hero who supports Martin through thick and thin and ends up married to a scullion, or possibly a scallion. Catchphrase: 'No chance of a spin-off, then?'

VILLIAM VELLS-VARING (OF VOLVERHAMPTON): Honest son of toil who renders his Ws as Vs, which Dickens found hilarious. Catchphrase: 'Vell, young master, vhat a load of old vank.'

PHOEBE WETSIMPER: Hopelessly feeble young lady with the sex-appeal of a concussed flounder, she is the one true love of Martin's life, and therefore dies quite early on. Catchphrase: 'Oh, Mama, I fear I am expiring...'

BETTY BUXOMHALL: Strong, intelligent, working-class female character who likes a drink and enjoys a bit of slap and tickle, and therefore dies quite early on. Catchphrase: 'You patriarchal bastards!'

SIR REVELATION PLOTVITAL: Character introduced in Chapter XXVI to explain why Martin has a birthmark shaped like a narwhal, who the mysterious woman in the cloak really was, and where the will is hidden. Then he just buggers off. Catchphrase: 'Is that it? Oh.'

THE FIVE MISSES CLENCHBUTTOCK, MASTER LIONEL HAIRY-WIBBLEDRIBBLE, DINGUS O'FOLDEROL, THE SID LAWRENCE HAMSTER EXPERIENCE, DAVE ALLEN AT LARGE, MISSION CONTROL HOUSTON, CYRIL FLETCHER and a whole host of other characters Dickens was required by law to introduce under the terms of the Realism in Fiction (Prevention) Act of 1820.

The Plot

He starts off poor, ends up quite a bit richer, and along the way learns a bit about human nature and society.

Why is it 934 pages long?

Because Dickens was a. a literary genius and b. paid by the line.

And now, Mr Boz Scaggs.

Money in idiocy

2012-01-08T00:46:00.000Z

The rate of interest on a piece of moss or a dead vole is almost negligible.

Dazzle Paint for People

2012-01-06T09:10:00.000Z

At the US political site Gin & Tacos ('Opiate of the Asses') I find an interesting link to an item about people disguising themselves from computer scrutiny. The original item is here. It talks about stuff I was totally unaware of, which shows that I'm old and ignorant - no surprises there.

CV Dazzle™ is camouflage from computer vision (CV). It is a form of expressive interference that combines makeup and hair styling (or other modifications) with face-detection thwarting designs. The name is derived from a type of camouflage used during WWI, called Dazzle, which was used to break apart the gestalt-image of warships, making it hard to discern their directionality, size, and orientation. Likewise, the goal of CV Dazzle is to break apart the gestalt of a face, or object, and make it undetectable to computer vision algorithms, in particular face detection.

Well, I knew about the dazzle paint used on warships by the Royal Navy. Here are some examples:

HMS Belfast in 1999, in WW2 dazzle paint.

The liner Mauretania arriving in New York during WW1.

A modern example.

The idea of dazzle paint is one of those counter-intuitive tricks of the trade. On the face of it, it makes a ship even more conspicuous. But imagine looking at it from a mile away through a U-boat periscope and trying to work out - in choppy seas - which way a ship is going, let alone how fast. It was also supposed to confuse the rangefinders used to target guns. Dazzle paint was proposed by the artist Norman Wilkinson. In WW2 the artist Sir Peter Scott (son of Scott of the Antarctic) worked on naval camouflage.

But camouflage, historically, has always been about confusing one's fellow humans. How do you confuse computer software? According to CV Dazzle's creator:

By understanding how face-detection algorithms work, an anti-face can be constructed and used as a guide for creating makeup and hair-styling that foils the face detection process. As a result, your face becomes undetectable to machines yet retains some level of legibility to humans.

Yes, but what does it look like? Well...

The Doctor Who alien look.

The secret, apparently, is to follow some basic rules:

1. Avoid enhancers: They amplify key facial features.
2. Partially obscure the nose-bridge are: The region where the nose, eyes, and forehead intersect is a key facial feature.
3. Partially obscure the ocular region: The position and darkness of eyes is a key facial feature.
4. Remain inconspicuous: For camouflage to function, it must not be perceived as a mask or disguise.

I think point 4. might be a bit difficult to stick to in practice.

'And thus I thwart Big Brother!'

Apparently there's a sale

2012-01-05T12:20:00.003Z

How Not to Contact Aliens 2: Klaatu

2012-01-04T12:52:00.000Z

Still one of the best sf movies of all time, and chock full of fun as well as high drama. None of which would have happened if the alien ship hadn't been surrounded by rather trigger-happy young fellows. 'We have come to visit you in peace, and with goodwill!'

It's the Doctor Who Christmas Special, Sister-Comrades!

2012-01-03T14:37:00.000Z

Finding a badly-reasoned article about a BBC programme in the Tory press conjures up images of big fat fish in tiny barrels. But a hack having a go at Doctor Who is a comparative rarity. The show is a little bit too much of a national institution for even weighty 'opinion formers' to take a pop at it. But sometimes a bit of frothing can be discerned.

In the Daily Telegraph the Orwell-prize winning blogger Graeme Archer attacked the DW Christmas special in straightforwardly political terms. Judging by Archer's writing I can only conclude that the Orwell Prize was named in honour of Reg 'Hang 'Em High!' Orwell of the Tonbridge Wells Advertiser Letters Page. Here's a sample of Archer's critique:

Labour Party supporter and chief writer Steven Moffat turned in a script that could have pleased few outside the living room of Harriet Harman. Every trite Left-wing cliché was in place. Noble trees threatened by acid rain: check. Said acid rain caused by rapacious humanoids: check.

Worst of all was the misandrist posturing. The message, yelled at full volume, was that men are weak and women are strong. I'm not paraphrasing. Only women could save the acid-rain-threatened tree-people, the Doctor declared, though whether this was something to do with their two X chromosomes or the gynecological consequence of that was never (thankfully) explained. Even the rapacious, acid-rain-producing trio of alien humanoids appeared for long enough only to display men as useless (one burst into tears) and women sensible (the female acid-rain-producing etc instantly threw off her alien background to side with the protagonist, a middle-class 1940s mother). It was so narratively lazy, as well as politically predictable.

It's fair to say that the commenters on this article gave Archer a bit of a drubbing. Here's my contribution:

Yes, a story featuring a heroic RAF pilot, the heartwarming re-union of a traditional nuclear family, the fulsome celebration of Christmas, and praise for motherhood as the most important thing a woman can aspire to - all very left-wing, I'm sure. Oh, and stating the existence of the soul as scientific fact - straight out of the Marxist handbook!

Ooh, aren't I sarcastic? And can I add that, as a fully paid-up wearer of external gonads, I find this right-wing 'misandry' shit very wearying? The vast majority of people in well-paid jobs are men. The vast majority of politicians, journalists, business bosses, doctors, police officers, general, admirals, and of course Uncle Tom Cobbley are all men. The right-wing delusion that feminism has led to the oppression of men is a pile of steaming horse manure that doesn't stand up a moment's scrutiny.

But, leaving Archer's poorly-reasoned rant a few parsecs in our wake, it's a fact that DW has often been more than a bit political. In the Seventies, when I started watching the show, even my youthful brain could see that Major Issues were being raised left, right, and centre - but mostly left.

The Green Death - decent miners put out of work by big corporation that's dumping hazardous waste and lying about it.
The Mind of Evil - Britain develops almost insanely dangerous Cold War missile (nuclear powered with a nerve gas warhead, which makes it illegal twice over) which is then stolen due to sloppy security.
The Ambassadors of Death - crazed American general in power play risks war with aliens.
The Silurians - the military blows up scientifically-advanced sentient beings rather than try to negotiate with them.
Inferno - British fascist regime creates sort-of werewolves then blows up the world by neglecting basic health and safety procedures (in a parallel universe, I should add).
Colony in Space - evil mining company with native-shooting tendencies seeks to ruin peaceful planet (which, to be fair, already resembles an abandoned quarry).
The Mutants - imperialist oppressors pollute alien world then get all trigger-happy when the locals mutate a bit.

I'm struggling to think of a DW story from that era - the early Seventies, Jon Pertwee - that had a right-wing bias. Perhaps that's the problem - drama, to be effective, must target something, and conservative ideas can make big, slow-moving targets. A number of fairly left-leaning writers worked on the show in those days. One of them, Malcolm Hulke (no relation to The Incredible, sadly) was a card-carrying Communist in his younger days. But the only major controversies about DW in the Seventies all concerned violence. Was the show too scary for tiny tots? Would children imitate 'realistic' mayhem in the playground? It's interesting that now violence is little remarked upon, but supposed political bias is a hot button issue. I wonder why?

Anyway, let's have one of those controversial moments.

How Not To Contact Aliens 1. The Mysterons

2012-01-03T12:51:00.000Z

'They're obviously hostile...' Whereas bringing an array of deadly weapons to Mars is evidence of peaceful intent I suppose? However, given that Spectrum detected the signals, launched the expedition, trashed the Mysteron city, and then becomes Earth's prime defence outfit against the alien menace... Perhaps the attack is a classic example of bureaucrats creating work for themselves?

Supercake!

2012-01-02T12:42:00.000Z

Space age technology meets... erm...

2012-01-02T09:22:00.000Z

This was originally written as a Poe (nothing to do with Edgar Allan - it's named after Nathan Poe) but has been taken up as scientific proof of the Bible by at least one person. Poe's Law states:

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing.

Stabby fighty leggy Leela

2012-01-01T19:54:00.000Z

The first Doctor Who female companion never to scream when captured*, mainly because she kicked the crap out of people trying to capture her. Leela, played by Louise Jameson, was the inspiration (I reckon) for the Leela of Futurama. Anyway, I've been watching old DW and recalling my adolescence.

*With several debatable exceptions. Such is nerdism.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T12:58:00.003Z

Or not, if you're using the ancient Iranian/Persian solar calendar.
I'm not, as it happens, but apparently for some people it's Yekshanbeh the 11th of Dey in the year 1390. Funny things, calendars. I've always had a soft spot for the French Revolutionary one, which we'd presumably be using today if Napoleon had managed to float his Grand Army over the Channel in 1804ish.

Under the Revolutionary or Republican calendar, today is Duodi, the 12th of Nivose (lit. 'the snowy one'). It's not snowy, which is one of the drawbacks of taking an overly logical approach to these things. The current year is CCXX, apparently, and each year begins on the Autumn Equinox. This would keep New Year's Day and Christmas well apart, if the Republic hadn't abolished religion.

I've always liked the invented months, despite their debatable accuracy:

Month	in English	Month	in English
Vendémiaire	wine-harvesting	Germinal	plant germination
Brumiare	foggy	Floréal	flowering
Frimiare	frosty	Prairial	meadows
Nivôse	snowy	Messidor	harvesting
Pluviôse	rainy	Thermidor	heat
Ventose	windy	Fructidor	fruit harvesting

Oh well, it was not to be. Thus one of history's failed experiments becomes the stuff of erudite quizzes and such. Nice imagery they came up with, though.

One interesting (to me, at any rate) point to note about the modern Western calendar is simply this - it betrays not a shred of Christian influence. We are told by some that Christianity is fundamental to Western culture, but at a fairly basic level this is often simply not so. Our months are all named after simple Latin numbers, as in December, or pagan gods (bearing in mind Julius Caesar and Augustus were both deified) and the days of the week are of course also named for pagan deities like Woden and Thor. Why didn't Christians insist on repressing these relics of 'false' faiths, given that they made such a point of building churches on the ruins of pagan temples they so merrily tore down? Maybe because nobody thought of it? Or would ordinary people have simply laughed and gone on using the familiar system anyway?

The Killing II

2011-12-31T10:42:00.000Z

The second series of the Danish jumpers 'n' murder fest The Killing was my Christmas present to myself. Make of that what you will. Anyway, I mentioned this to an academic friend who lectures in Film and TV, and he gave what I suspect is a far from unique response. He hadn't watched The Killing or indeed The Wire, he said, from inverted snobbery. If many Guardian-reading intellectuals think a programme is the best thing ever, he feels a strong aversion to it.

I know what he means. I was put off The Wire by the amount of pseudery surrounding it. But when I watched it, courtesy of a friend who lent me the box sets, I was drawn into a very good TV drama, with solid plotting, strong characters and believable dialogue. The same goes for Wallander and The Killing, with the important addition of those subtitles.

Somehow watching a crime show with subtitles feels almost - for want of a better word - cosy. It ought to work in the opposite way. You've got the words set out in stark text, often wildly out of synch the emoting (when there is any) of the actor saying them, but the dislocation between the two vital bits of sensory input doesn't distance you from the action. Oddly enough, it makes the whole drama feel more intimate. Well, it does to me. Perhaps it's precisely because I'm reading the story, and therefore getting some of the pleasure I associate with a good book? Who knows how my brain is wired...

Anyway, I daresay the antics of emotionally vulnerable old boozer Kurt Wallander or superbly passive-aggressive knitwear addict Sarah Lund offer me the same kind of pleasure to me as the soap opera does to EastEnders addicts. It's just that, instead of people shartin' at each uvver abaht all the shaggin and nicking and vat - which just irritates me, because it's badly written and a logistical mess - I enjoy watching dour Nordic people trying to work out who pushed a controversial Lutheran pastor into a rotary cultivator, or similar. Each to his own pleasures.

Which Shall It Be?

2011-12-31T10:02:00.000Z

I recently re-watched Things to Come, and was again impressed by how good it is. Not as a movie - it barely qualifies as drama except in the Ralph Richardson - scenes, so much as a manifesto for a wildly optimistic view of a possible future. The conventional idea of Utopian society is static - everybody's happy so there's no news today, sigh. But via the (extremely silly but wonderful looking) device of the Space Gun Wells argues that human creativity, competitiveness and general desire to show off can be channelled into projects that are every bit as thrilling as war, but which are much less destructive.

When real world unity comes I suppose it won't be thanks to technocrats flying in from Basra in amazing aircraft. It will - on the current evidence - be some kind of corporate takeover, given that the credit rating cabal (note clever choice of word) is now more powerful than any national government. So the answer to the question 'Which Shall It Be?' is, unfortunately, going to be 'More and more of the same old crap for the foreseeable future'. Pity.

Chimp talk

2011-12-30T10:24:00.000Z

The long debate over the origins of language take a new twist with the discovery that chimps tailor their alarm calls to what they (presume) their audience knows.

Researchers found that wild chimps that spotted a poisonous snake were more likely to make their "alert call" in the presence of a chimp that had not seen the threat.
This indicates that the animals "understand the mindset" of others.

It only remains to be shown that sometimes chimps cry wolf (or, in this case 'Snake!') when there isn't one, then roll around laughing while their hapless comrades scarper up a tree. Then we will have truly seen ourselves reflected in the mirror of simian evolution.

Meanwhile, a chimp called Cheetah died last week. Was this the Cheetah of the old Tarzan movies? If so, he was very old... But it would be nice to think Cheetah expired recalling how weird human beings could be, especially in Hollywood. And then there was his distinguished record of wartime service...

Priests fight in Bethlehem church

2011-12-29T12:22:00.000Z

All together now, faith fans - religion is a special, magical thing that makes human beings better than they would otherwise be. It instils maturity, wisdom, respect for other human beings, and is generally all about fluffy-bunnikin niceness. Especially at Christmas.

Tychonic climate change

2011-12-28T13:28:00.000Z

An interesting article about those who don't want to throw all the scientific findings out but - for ideological reasons - don't want to go all the way and accept Anthropogenic Global Warming. One of several historical parallels drawn is with the reaction to the Copernican theory that the earth is one of the planets and therefore orbits the sun.

Many simply rejected this idea outright (and sought to silence those who promoted it, burning one - Giordano Bruno - at the stake). But the great Danish astronomer Tycho - aka the Man With the Golden Nose - sought compromise. The Tychonic universe was one in which the planets orbited the sun, but the sun orbited the stationary earth which remained at the centre of the universe.

And Tycho had a point. Rather than just shouting 'Blasphemy!', like many of Copernicus' critics, as a superb observational astronomer Tycho knew that the 'fixed' stars show no parallax, which they ought logically to do if the Earth is moving. The explanation, that the stars are simply too far away for parallax to be seen by the human eye, was seen as weak - a kind of special pleading. It happens to be true, though, and after the telescope was invented the discovery of stellar parallax was only a matter of time. Ironically, by the time it was observed for certain, by Bessel in 1838, the debate was long over. But in the meantime the most prominent crater on the lunar surface had been named after Tycho, because Riccioli - one of the first lunar cartographers - supported the Tychonic system.

Many who are unwilling to accept the full brunt of greenhouse warming have embraced a more comforting compromise reminiscent of the Tychonic system: that CO₂ has some role in climate but its importance is being exaggerated. But accepting a nonzero warming effect puts one on a slippery slope: Once acknowledged, the effect must be quantified, and every legitimate method for doing so yields a significant magnitude. As the evidence sinks in, we can expect a continued, if slow, drift to full acceptance. It took both Copernicanism and greenhouse warming roughly a century to go from initial proposal to broad acceptance by the relevant scientific communities. It remains to be seen how long it will take greenhouse warming to achieve a clear public consensus; one hopes it will not take another century.

Criminal Layabouts

2011-12-28T10:26:00.001Z

According to our wonderful free press, who have no political agenda and never try to distort the facts to serve the interests of any moneyed elite at all, one in three unemployed people has a criminal record. Hmmm.

One in four of the adult male population has a criminal record, again according to our wonderful free press. So the percentage of criminals among the jobless is - pretty much what you'd expect, really, given how hard it is for ex-offenders to get jobs, Indeed, it seems oddly low. A lot of people with criminal records much be in work, while the vast majority of unemployed people are law abiding citizens. Who'da thunk it?

And then there are the things figures, reliable or otherwise, can't tell you. Like how many people walking around free would be in jail in a more civilized and sane society. People like this overpaid, knuckle-brained little bastard (link is to Guardian).

Celebrity agony uncle Danny Dyer has told Zoo magazine readers that a heartbroken boyfriend should "cut his ex's face, so no one will want her".
(...)
It is understood that Dyer's weekly advice column is dictated over the phone to a member of the magazine's staff, a common practice in the magazine industry.

I suppose prosecuting anyone over a bit of incitement to violence would be political correctness gone mad. And, to be gut-scorchingly fair, anyone who writes for advice on relationships to a moron with a column in Zoo is probably a few bricks short of a full hod.

Today is...

2011-12-27T12:10:00.004Z

St Sharon's Day. Sharon is the patron saint of shoe shop assistants and mass murderers.

Happy Sentimental Christmas

2011-12-25T07:23:00.000Z

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)

2011-12-25T00:30:00.000Z

The Open Doors

2011-12-18T22:31:00.000Z

A tale of mystery, suspense and stuff, based on 'The Open Window' by Saki.

Singing Christmas Hedgehogs

2011-12-17T12:23:00.000Z

Tom Lehrer- A Christmas Carol

2011-12-16T10:46:00.000Z

100 years ago today, Amundsen reached the South Pole

2011-12-14T13:14:00.000Z

Epitaph on Dr Johnson

2011-12-13T10:35:00.002Z

The man himself died on 13th December, 1784. Soame Jenyns, author of a book that Johnson reviewed somewhat harshly, wrote this epitaph:

Here lies poor JOHNSON. Reader, have a care,
Tread lightly, lest you rouse a sleeping bear;
Religious — moral — gen'rous and humane
He was — but self-sufficient, rude and vain:
Ill-bred and overbearing in dispute,
A scholar and a Christian — yet a brute.
Would you know all his wisdom and his folly,
His actions — sayings — mirth and melancholy,
BOSWELL and THRALE, retailers of his wit,
Will tell you how he wrote, and talk'd, and cough'd, and spit.

Johnson has the last laugh, I suppose. I'd never heard of Soame Jenyns before stumbling upon him today.

Banning cricket

2011-12-10T12:43:00.001Z

Looking back the week, my greatest triumph - indeed, my only achievement - was to win a free round of drinks by answering a spot question at the pub quiz. The question was one of those 'you could only get it right by cheating with your iPhone' jobs that regular quizzers have become familiar with. Fortunately the pub in question is of a rather 'cosy' nature, so anyone trying to cheat with a phone would be a bit conspicuous.

Anyway, the question: 'In what year did Edward IV ban cricket?' Or words to that effect. I had no idea cricket was played in the 15th century or that Edward IV, Yorkist king and defeater of Henry VI, had banned it. But knowing Edward died in the early 1480s I guessed that he'd had his cricket brainwave around 1475. Turns out it was 1477, which was a darn good guess.

So, what was it all about? I assumed at the time that the reason cricket was banned was simply this - that it cut into the compulsory longbow practice that every able-bodied Englishman was supposed to do. The victories of Agincourt in 1415 and Flodden in 1513 were won by longbow expertise. Edward IV came to power during the Wars of the Roses (so-called by the Victorians) during which longbows were used by both sides. So, I assumed, he saw the rise of this cricket thing as a genuine menace to a vital component of his non-standing army.

Anyway, I looked it up and found this:

Practice at 'the butts', usually located near the local parish Church, which was the centre of most social activity during medieval times, was initially a voluntary occurrence in all English & Welsh towns and villages as men, young and old, would test their bow kills at regular weekly meetings.

Then in the late 1470 someone invented an early form of what we might call cricket and in 1477 Edward IV found it necessary to ban this game because it began interfering with regular archery practice.

You'd think that might sorted it out, but of course we English are a devious people and have little respect for central government edicts:

After bowling a ball towards a stick to try and knock it over, where someone had to try and stop it with another stick and knock it away was banned, the ever adapting male population took advantage of the rather ambiguous wording of the 1477 Act and invented a new game....

Kick ball or foot ball. Two teams would race about kicking a bundle of bound up leather between two sticks, placed two at each end of a field. (Not incidentally between two gate posts, as gates in fields rarely existed until the much later 'enclosures acts' of the 18th century, as is sometimes claimed as the origin of the game of football).

This new football game wasn't actually banned, though it was tried to be discouraged'as it was considered to entice vile and loutish behavior' (no comment here!) and in 1515 King Henry VIII passed a new law, to try maintain Archery as the predominant and preferred sport.

But it didn't work. Footie prevailed, and meanwhile cricket was still widely played. The Commonwealth outlawed games on the Sabbath but it's debatable whether Cromwell banned cricket specifically, especially since he supposedly played it in his youth. What is certain is that, by the end of 17th century, large sums of money were being wagered on the outcomes of matches, and in the early 18th century press reports focused on the betting rather than the play.

Meanwhile, archery became a tad irrelevant with the adoption of the musket. Oh well.

Cut and paste

2011-12-09T12:58:00.000Z

Marxist Muppets

2011-12-06T10:21:00.001Z

It's time to hand out rifles
And crush the bourgeoisie
Let's get this revolt started!
(Why don't you get things started?)
On the Muppet Show Tonight

I may have got the words wrong as I am quoting from memory. But the communist ideology of the Muppets must be taken as proven, because somebody on Fox News said they're left-wing propagandists. And it's not just Comrade Piggy and Komissar Kermit. No, they're all at it...

"They've been doing it for decades. Hollywood, the left, the media, they hate the oil industry," Gainor continued. "They hate corporate America. And so you'll see all these movies attacking it, whether it was 'Cars 2,' which was another kids' movie, the George Clooney movie 'Syriana,' 'There Will Be Blood,' all these movies attacking the oil industry, none of them reminding people what oil means for most people: fuel to light a hospital, heat your home, fuel an ambulance to get you to the hospital if you need that. And they don't want to tell that story."

This tirade was prompted by the fact that the new Muppet movie features a villainous oil tycoon called Tex Richman who tries to shut down the puppet-beings theatre. That's it. The film - so far as I can tell from reviews, as I haven't seen it - contains no attacks on the oil industry or corporations. It merely features as its villain a man who's rich enough to do harm on a large-ish scale. I mean, if the guy was a homeless alcoholic he'd be hard put to buy a theatre, right? Burn it down, maybe, but that's not a formula for a family movie.

Still, let's assume for the sake of argument that this Mr Gainor is not the frothing idiot he might appear at first, second and 245th glance. Let's ignore the obvious - that Fox News was established by the Murdoch empire to spread right wing propaganda and has no great interest in accuracy or even plausibility. It was set up to disprove the old adage that 'everyone's entitled to their own opinions, but nobody's entitled to their own facts'. Having your own facts is now in fashion in America and Fox is a rip-roaring fantasy factory, not a news channel in the traditional sense. But putting all that aside, does Hollywood have a leftist, liberal bias?

I think it's rather the opposite. Much of Hollywood's output is apparently drawn straight from the lurid yet sadly threadbare imagination of Luther Leroy Whipple, a 15-year-old mouth-breather in Minnesota who can't find Iran on a map but thinks it should be bombed back into the friggin' Stone Age, dude. For every movie that espouses some kind of 'liberal' or 'green' ideal, there are about a dozen that strongly suggest a tough guy with a BFG 9000 can sort out the world a lot more effectively than any number of so-called experts. Check out the movies' attitude to science - so beloved of liberals - and it seldom emerges well. As a general rule in Hollywood, if your head is substantially wider than your neck, you are not the hero.

Apart from the kill 'em all stuff, the (supposedly) conservative values of courage, honesty, loyalty to family and friends, thrift, hard work are all routinely celebrated in hit movies nowadays, and have been since the US film industry moved out west to dodge Thomas Edison.

Many of the men who would become Hollywood moguls were trying to escape the oppressive system they found in the East with the Edison Trust and its monopolistic control of the fledgling motion picture industry. The Edison Trust, also known as the Motion Picture Patents Company, controlled many patents relevant to movie production. By establishing shop in a distant place like Hollywood, California, the future moguls made it more difficult for the tentacles of the Edison Trust to reach them to enforce the patents.

Yep, Hollywood was founded by rugged individualists, true American entrepreneurs who wanted to avoid the corporate tentacles of big (and corrupt, and often violent) business. Or it was founded by a bunch of shady crooks who wanted to avoid paying their dues under the law of the land. Oddly enough, no account of the founding of Hollywood mentions Marxist-Leninism. Instead Hollywood routinely celebrates the American dream by claiming - against all the evidence - that the little guy can triumph over vested interests, corporate monopolies, political hirelings, the media, 'stuffed shirts', and the like.

Virtue is it's own reward, says Hollywood. Stay true to your dreams and you will win through. America is a land of opportunity for everyone, regardless of race or creed. Being beautiful inside is what really matters. These are at best half-truths, but they make for far more effective propaganda than anything Murdoch's minions could contrive.

Finally there is the sordid question of money. The way some right-wing loons talk about Hollywood, you'd think it was a frakkin' charity, dude. They make movies to make money, and if people wanted to pay to see films about heroic oil tycoons or arms dealers, or indeed ageing Australian media barons who trade in their old wives for younger Chinese models, I'm sure Hollywood could oblige. Because there's one basic fact that even a sad old loser like me knows about showbiz...

Mini-Sea Raider

2011-12-06T08:37:00.000Z

And I thought HG Wells was making it up. When I first read 'The Sea Raiders' as a wee lad I recall thinking that - while a great 'nature strikes back' story - it was slightly undermined by the idea of huge killer octopuses (or octopodes, but never octopi!) actually coming out of the water to chase a bloke at a seaside resort. A bit OTT, I felt. But now it turns out that a small, non-killer octopus can pretty much clamber out of the water. Once you start looking for evidence of their terrestrial mobility it's not hard to find.

Their bodies lay flatly on the rocks, and their eyes regarded him with
evil interest; but it does not appear that Mr. Fison was afraid, or that
he realised that he was in any danger. Possibly his confidence is to be
ascribed to the limpness of their attitudes. But he was horrified, of
course, and intensely excited and indignant, at such revolting creatures
preying upon human flesh. He thought they had chanced upon a drowned body.
He shouted to them, with the idea of driving them off, and finding they
did not budge, cast about him, picked up a big rounded lump of rock, and
flung it at one.
And then, slowly uncoiling their tentacles, they all began moving towards
him--creeping at first deliberately, and making a soft purring sound to
each other.

Meanwhile, in Westminster

2011-12-05T19:05:00.000Z

Slow-motion car crash as economic 'realism'

2011-12-04T08:29:00.001Z

From the New York Times.

(...) what’s happening in Britain now is that depressed estimates of long-run potential are being used to justify more austerity, which will depress the economy even further in the short run, leading to further depression of long-run potential, leading to …

It really is just like a medieval doctor bleeding his patient, observing that the patient is getting sicker, not better, and deciding that this calls for even more bleeding.

And the truly awful thing is that Cameron and Osborne are so deeply identified with the austerity doctrine that they can’t change course without effectively destroying themselves politically.

As the Brits would say, brilliant. Just brilliant.

Meaty Science

2011-12-01T23:55:00.000Z

The Lady of the Haystack

2011-12-01T11:11:00.001Z

In 1776 an unfortunate woman was found sheltering under a haystack in Bourton, near Bristol. By day she would seek charity from the local people, but at night she would always return to the haystack, saying only that “trouble and misery dwelt in houses.”

Curiously, she appeared well bred and accustomed to good society. Hannah More, who took up her cause, found her “handsome, young, interesting, enough Mistress of her reason carefully to shut up from our observation every avenue that might lead to her secret.”

More published “A Tale of Real Woe” in the St. James’s Chronicle in 1785, offering what little she had been able to learn about the woman: “that her Father was a German, her Mother an Italian; that she has one brother and one Sister; that her father had a very fine garden full of olive and orange Trees.”

Rumors abounded that “Louisa” was an illegitimate daughter of Francis I, emperor of Austria, and thus a half-sister to Marie Antoinette, but these have never been substantiated. Whoever she was, the woman spent the next 16 years in a succession of hospitals, never giving her identity, and when she died in 1801, she took her secret with her.

From Futility Closet

Petition

2011-12-01T00:00:00.001Z

Someone has started one of those lovely petitions in the light of all this fuss about pensions. I've signed it. After all, fair's fair, innit?

MP's Pensions

Responsible department: Cabinet Office

Have terms and conditions of the Final Salary Pensions of MP's changed in line with the changes being made to the rest of the Public Sector Pensions.

Camp Cats Like the Sugababes

2011-11-29T19:28:00.000Z

Just sort of found this

2011-11-28T15:20:00.001Z

Salvador Dali's rejected design for the Vatican's Swiss Guard Uniform. Possibly.

Sniffle sniffle

2011-11-26T20:15:00.000Z

It's a terrible scourge of us menfolk and no mistake. Or at least, of most men. I live alone (as if you couldn't guess), and one of the most significant indicators of manflu immunity is having nobody else to put the bins out, do the washing, or indeed make cups of tea. If a man has to do these things himself, research shows that the manflu virus is almost completely neutralised. For a bit. Probably.

Fake Healing

2011-11-25T13:37:00.001Z

Okay, people are free to believe any nonsense they like. But when it comes to outfits like this, I hope that Big Government comes down on them like a ton of bricks. SCOAN is a church that claims to use faith healing to cure HIV, and practically everything else. It's 'healers' tell sufferers to stop taking their medication. Then they die, of course. SkyNews did some real investigative journalism, with an HIV positive African woman as their undercover operative, and what she found - while not surprising, really - shows the damage faith can do to the poor and ignorant.

Two ladies, one of African origin and one white lady, ended up speaking to me. During the interview, I was asked why I decided to go for healing, to which I responded that I was HIV positive.
I was told that I did the right thing to seek help and this was the beginning of my journey to being cured.
I was told if I had faith, everything would be fine and because of my faith, I would be cured of HIV. All I needed was to believe that the HIV in my body would go away.

The church's website claims that it can cure anything by the power of prayer. As with all churches, it enjoys tax exemption, even though it seems to be run as a money-making concern (as is common with African churches). It is hard to imagine the mindset of people who knowingly exploit those with terminal illnesses, but I suppose they are the usual con-artist types. They're clearly very efficient. Even the sceptical investigator was thrown into doubt - and who can blame her?

After I had been told I could be cured of HIV and not need any more treatment once I had been prayed for, I was shocked, angry and disappointed.
There was, however, part of me that wanted to believe it was true that HIV can be cured. This made me feel guilty because I felt like I had little faith.

Some will say that people are entitled to believe what they want, and that if some stop taking their HIV medication (which 'healed' people are told to do) they are foolish. This is true so far as it goes - but when people have a serious illness they are not always at their most rational. Throw in the fact that this church seems to target African immigrants, who tend to be deeply religious, and you've got a perfect recipe for the most cynical of cons.

The eyes do not have it

2011-11-24T17:27:00.001Z

Apparently women in Saudi Arabia will be bumping into things a lot more in future. The kingdom's religious police thinks that naked eyes are too distracting, and must be covered up. Not sure whether this means looking through a little lacy grille thing, or wearing shades, or simply insisting that women wear buckets on their heads. But there you go.

...the Bikya Masr news site suggested the proposal was made after a member of the committee was attracted by a woman's eyes as he walked along a street, provoking a fight. The fight culminated in the woman's husband getting stabbed twice in the hand.

Which is what happens when a society is as sex-obsessed as Saudi Arabia. A nation's laws tell you a lot about its state of mind, after all. In England the Bloody Code of the 18th century was all about punishing theft, forgery, robbery etcetera. Hundreds of offences carried the death penalty, and most of these offences were about protecting property. They were the laws of a very materialistic society with huge inequalities of wealth.

Saudi Arabia pretty much fits that bill too, of course - grotesque amounts of bling seem to find its way to all those pious princes and sheikhs. But it's also a society that, while loving decadent Western products, is terrified of Western ideas, such as the notion that women are human beings rather than botched, inferior facsimiles of men. Inferior, but maddenly able to use their sensual charms to distract, confuse and otherwise injure men, who are made in God's image and really shouldn't be bothered so much by the brazen hussies.

Hence loopy laws. And the more they try to make women socially invisible, the more conspicuous they will become.

Alien Skull Story

2011-11-24T16:19:00.001Z

If only jumping to conclusions were an Olympic event...

The skeletal structure with an oversized skull and miniature rib cage, discovered in Peru recently, has been creating quite a buzz, with several anthropologists claiming that it cannot possibly belong to any human ethnic groups on earth and thus has come from another planet.

The claims sound completely farfetched, even as Peruvian anthropologist Renato Davila Riquelme, who made the discovery, has declared that the remains are those of a child. So who are these people celebrating the discovery of an ancient alien? As of now, they are unidentified.

The "alien skull" buzz gained momentum after a Peruvian news site RPP, published an article featuring a number of anonymous quotes from "noted" (but strangely unnamed) Spanish and Russian scientists and anthropologists, who claimed that the structure "clearly" belonged to an alien.

Yes, it's an extraterrestrial being whose basic physical structure is essentially human. As usual in such stories, it's the lack of imagination that's the problem. A genuine product of evolution on an alien world wouldn't look remotely human. A more likely explanation for the unusual remains is simply that people in ancient times often went in for weird, skull-deforming activities.

Artificial cranial deformation dates back to 45,000 BC in Neanderthal skulls, and to the Proto-Neolithic Homo sapiens component (12th millennium BCE). The ritualistic deformation usually begins just after the birth of a child till the next couple of years until the desired shape has been reached or the child rejects the apparatus used to modify the skull. It was practiced generally to signify group affiliation or to demonstrate social status.

Get your 'air cut!

2011-11-24T12:24:00.001Z

RIP Anne McCaffrey

2011-11-23T10:36:00.001Z

The Ship Who Sang was, I think, the only novel by Anne McCaffrey I read during my early, omnivorous 'binge reading' phase as a sci-fi fan. It's a very good book, at least if memory serves.

I think McCaffrey was treated rather snobbily by some fans and critics because she wrote romantic, escapist adventures that were more fantasy than science fiction. Her Pern books were about heroic young women riding genetically engineered dragons on a pseudo-mediaeval world. The very word dragon was enough to raise an eyebrow among hard sf fans. But she was a woman writing stories that appealed (though by no means exclusively) to a young, female readership. Her immensely successful Pern books were indeed escapist, and judging from comments on various sites after her death was announced, a lot of her readers were immensely grateful for the brighter, better world she provided. Put another way, if you don't want to escape into a book, why are you reading fiction at all?

The Ship Who Sang demonstrated her considerable skills not only as a fine storyteller but also as a compassionate and original thinker - it depicts a future in which a severely disabled child called Helva becomes the 'brain' of a starship, thus gaining a freedom the supposedly 'able' can only dream of. It was one of the first 'cyborg' space adventures, and paved the way for other writers to imagine futures in which those who explore the universe have become, in various ways, 'more than human'.

The Shadow of the Bomb

2011-11-19T13:35:00.001Z

A somewhat depressing website entitled would i survive a nuke.com is now available. With everyone worried about economies hardships, it's worth remembering that major powers have the equipment to blow us all to bits (or slowly kill us with burns and/or fallout) at the push of a button. Funny how easy it is to go about assuming that nukes will never be used again. Indeed, some people seem to fondly imagine they never have been, which makes you wonder.

Anyway, the biggest-ever nuke exploded so far was detonated on the day I was born. I hope this was not an omen of any sort whatsoever.

Yachts - Mantovani's Hits (1979)

2011-11-14T22:00:00.000Z

Water palaver

2011-11-13T16:05:00.001Z

It's funny that you can see something hundreds of times but never really notice it. Like the fact that so many women struggle to drink water...

Very poor. I mean, it's probably going up her nose.

Could an ability to successfully hydrate ourselves explain why Men Rule the World?

Perhaps.

Coughs and Sneezes (1945)

2011-11-12T09:02:00.000Z

I feel a cold coming on.

War and the pity of war

2011-11-11T10:58:00.000Z

War memorial in Basra - an armed guard was required to protect the photographer.

More photos can be seen at the site of the War Graves Photographic Project.

For Remembrance Day

2011-11-11T08:43:00.001Z

ANTHEM FOR DOOMED YOUTH by WILFRED OWEN

What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?  ---Only the monstrous anger of the guns.  Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattleCan patter out their hasty orisons.No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;  Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,---The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;  And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

What candles may be held to speed them all?  Not in the hands of boys but in their eyesShall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.  The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

Owen's original notes are here:

Poppy

2011-11-10T09:17:00.002Z

I usually buy two or three poppies about this time of year. Not all at once, but in succession, as I tend to lose the plastic flower that's attached to your coat with a pin. Luckily this year I encountered a Royal British Legion member who sold me a proper badge that fastens in your pocket - a snip at £1.50. It hasn't fallen out yet.

But do I want to wear it at all? The fuss about the England soccer team wearing the symbol in a stupid boys' game for overpaid imbeciles has led me to wonder if I should just give it up. I heard someone the other day refer to 'poppy fascism'; the expectation that you should wear a symbol of remembrance as a patriotic gesture, to prove you are authentically British, or 'one of us'. The thought of sharing common cause with people who nod wisely at Daily Mail editorials does not appeal to me.

On the other hand, in my last job I had the privilege of meeting a D-Day veteran - a former Royal Marine Commando - who was such a decent man, so obviously the kind of man that a sane society needs to defend it. He who ran the local Legion. Joe was always very enthusiastic about the annual poppy drive, because it helped raise funds for the younger veterans as well as keeping alive the memory of his fallen comrades. So I'll wear it for him, I suppose. I'll think of one good man and try to forget the rest.

The Evil Public Sector

2011-11-09T20:09:00.000Z

And these people have wonderful pension schemes, too.

Phobos-Grunt

2011-11-08T22:05:00.000Z

The Russians have launched a probe to Phobos, the larger of the two Martian moons. 'Grunt' means soil in Russian, apparently. The idea is to scoop up a soil sample and return it to early in 33 months time. The soil sample will of course contain a deadly mutant virus that turns us all into zombies. Well, maybe not. The main craft is also carrying a Chinese micro-satellite. Stuff about it here, plus attractive proposals from pretty Russian women etc.

Phobos looks like a potato that's had an accident, but is remarkable because its orbit lies very close to Mars. This means it goes round the planet faster than Mars rotates i.e. Phobos rises in the Martian west. Tidal decay means its orbit is narrowing and in a few millions years it will probably break up and bombard the planet with debris.

Update - Phobos-Grunt has gone a bit wonky.

Forget Spotify - Drinkify is the hep place, daddio

2011-11-08T19:18:00.000Z

It's a site that plays music while advising you to have a drink. Drinkify. This is surely what 500 years of Western scientific progress was for. That, and Isaac Newton inventing the cat flap.

Mad Moustache Bloke Strikes Again

2011-11-06T16:24:00.000Z

The Just World Theory

2011-11-04T17:20:00.001Z

Do the rich deserve to be rich? Do the poor deserve their poverty? To see someone who has failed as deserving their failure, someone who has succeeded as deserving their success, seems perfectly natural to many of us (if not to me). To ascribe outcomes to chance - to say: 'Well, they both worked hard and are both decent, kind, honest people, so it's just dumb luck' - would repel many a good citizen, even though it seems obvious to me. Anyway, this article sums up the way many of us think, much of the time. It's a bit worrying.

If the belief in a just world simply resulted in humans feeling more comfortable with the universe and its capriciousness, it would not be a matter of great concern for ethicists or social scientists. But Lerner's Just World Hypothesis, if correct, has significant social implications. The belief in a just world may undermine a commitment to justice.

Zick Rubin of Harvard University and Letitia Anne Peplau of UCLA have conducted surveys to examine the characteristics of people with strong beliefs in a just world. They found that people who have a strong tendency to believe in a just world also tend to be more religious, more authoritarian, more conservative, more likely to admire political leaders and existing social institutions, and more likely to have negative attitudes toward underprivileged groups. To a lesser but still significant degree, the believers in a just world tend to "feel less of a need to engage in activities to change society or to alleviate plight of social victims."

Serial Killer Barbie

2011-11-04T01:30:00.000Z

Ideal Christmas present for those difficult nieces.

Cover Art for the Lads

2011-11-03T13:32:00.001Z

Over at the always brilliant Retronaut blog, we find comic covers from the olden times, featuring ladies in action poses, such as Princess Pantha, who was into leopardskin long before it was cool and funky.

Note that Princess Pantha may be spelling impaired but is clearly into saving monkeys from callous hunters. This other hyperactive young lady is not so keen on sharks, though. But then, Exciting isn't as good as Thrilling. In fact, it sounds downright feeble by comparison.

Meanwhile, Princess Pantha has got herself a playmate...

Some would quibble with the Retronautic heading for these great pics - 'Comic Girl Power, 1940s'. Some of the artists do show women like Princess Pantha in positions of power. But by and large comics and pulp magazines of the adventure/sf/horror variety were aimed at teenage boys and young men, and it's become conventional to say that portraits of half-naked ladies (very decorous by modern standards, of course) were pure titillation for frustrated adolescents and lonely blokes.

The 1940s and much of the 50s were a time of compulsory military service in most of the English-speaking world, so lots of young chaps spent most of their liveliest years far from female company. Which probably explains why so many magazine covers showed scantily-clad women in various stages of peril. Mind you there's standard peril, then there's the Planet of the Knob Heads...

Truly a serendipitous discovery, as I was looking for something else at this excellent site. It's notable that, while women could be portrayed as strong and resourceful in a fantasy Africa (all jungle, lions and spear-wielding tribesmen), women were almost always shown as victims in the 'future'. If they were strong women they were usually - though not always - malevolent, or a bit dodgy at least. And powerful women tended to be the creation of the few female sf authors, like Leigh Brackett (note the gender-neutral name). 'She was hate and she was horror - and the Earthman had a date with her beside the brimstone sea...'

It's also worth noting that cover illustrations sometimes bore no relationship to the story, even when the story is by a big name like Ray Bradbury. This example may be down to the artist guessing what 'The Sound of Thunder' should be about, and being out by a few million years. If only Mr Bradbury had put a scantily-clad blonde in his little tale of time travel, it might have become a classic...

Thalidomide

2011-11-03T12:15:00.001Z

One of the biggest news stories of my younger days - one of those scandals that seems to go on for ever, because when you're a kid time is different - was the Thalidomide affair. It's one of those big news items that you assume everyone knows about, in much the same way that - if you're a Trek nerd - you assume the phrase 'Beam me up, Scottie' in a social situation won't be taken as proof of lunacy.

Anyway, Thalidomide is a very useful sedative and was widely used in the Fifties. It was developed in Germany, and produced in Britain by a firm with the slightly odd name of Distillers. Unfortunately, when given to pregnant women the drug - often prescribed as a cure for morning sickness - produced drastic foetal abnormalities, leading to a general of 'Thalidomide children'. Those children have of course grown up, and are still campaigning for the full truth about the drug to be revealed, as well as for better compensation from the drug firm involved.

A proper, global compensation scheme was never set up by the pharmaceutical firms, who battled every step of the way to dodge responsibility for marketing a dangerous product. Gosh, there's a novelty. What's particularly scandalous, to this day, is that the firms involved knew damn well what the risks were. Coming as it did in the early Sixties, the scandal heralded a new era of consumer activism and deep scepticism about the power of major corporations.

It now seems that the victims' chances of winning their long battle have increased. Thalidomide may have been developed by the Nazis as a possible antidote to nerve gas.

Gruenenthal patented Thalidomide in the mid-1950s. But investigations in the past two years have confirmed that the German brand-name - Contergan - was owned by the French pharma-company, Rhone-Poulenc, during the early 1940s, when it was effectively under Nazi control.

It's also now becoming clear that Gruenenthal was part of a post-war network of German scientists and businessmen who had played leading roles during the Nazi era. Immediately after the war, for example, Gruenenthal employed Dr Heinrich Mueckter as chief scientist, who was sought in Poland on charges of war crimes after conducting medical experiments in prison camps, during which hundreds of prisoners may have died.

Oh yes

2011-11-02T16:00:00.002Z

Shakespeare was Jewish...

2011-11-01T21:14:00.000Z

... and a woman. Or at least the Immortal Bard was a Jewish woman according to some bloke who's just as qualified to express an opinion as the Bacon/Oxford twerps. And am I alone in thinking that this scenario is much more interesting than all the 'penned by some aristo' theories? Okay, it's bollocks, but it's interesting bollocks.

Amateur Shakespearologist John Hudson is not the first to question whether the actor William Shakespeare was actually the author of the body of work we've come to know as his, but Hudson is the first to suggest that the true author was a Jewish woman named Amelia Bassano Lanier.

Of Italian descent, Bassano lived in England as a Marrano and has heretofore been known only as the first woman to publish a book of poetry ("Salve Deus Rex Judaeorum" in 1611) and as a candidate for "the dark lady" referred to in the sonnets.

Hudson is the first to argue that she's the true author of those sonnets. He is so convinced of Bassano's authorship that he formed a theater company, The Dark Lady Players, to bring out, through performance, the true meanings of the plays as, he argues, Bassano intended them.

HMS Anonymous

2011-11-01T17:30:00.001Z

So, about this...

Cutbacks have left the UK without a single warship specifically tasked with protecting the country's shores for the past month, the Ministry of Defence has confirmed.
The Royal Navy normally provides a minimum coverage of a frigate or destroyer fulfilling the role of Fleet Ready Escort (FRE).
This task is for the ship to be at high readiness for an emergency, including a terrorist attack, in UK waters or abroad.
However pressures on the navy caused by cuts to its fleet in last year's strategic defence and strategy review (SDSR) as well as its commitments to the Nato mission to Libya, has left it unable to fill the role.

Firstly, what is the Royal Navy for? To 'protect the country's shores'? Really? Against whom? The Chinese? The Russians, who are a lot nearer? Either one or both of those undeniably significant powers are going to attack our shores? If not them, then who? Iran? I am seriously baffled by news items in which it's assumed that some kind of hostile naval force, origins unspecified, might steam along the coast of East Anglia (say) and bombard the crap out of Aldeburgh. You'd think somebody in Nato would have noticed they were up to no good quite a while earlier.

Secondly, they throw the ever-handy 'terrorist attack' in there - when was the last time a British warship responded to a terrorist attack in British waters? Has it ever happened? The IRA were the most effective terrorist outfit this country ever spawned and they didn't get their feet wet. When it was my job to read the papers I often came across claims that Al-Qaeda and their ilk were plotting to hijack a tanker or take over an oil rig. But if the baddies did try something 100 miles off Aberdeen, and we had one warship in, say, Portsmouth, what would it do? Would it do anything that a handy French, German, Danish, Norwegian or American warship couldn't do? And wouldn't it be far more likely that the SAS or SBS would be choppered to a maritime terrorist incident, or perhaps sneaked in by submarine under cover of darkness? I can't see how sailing a warship up to something bad and complicated suddenly makes it all better. Or, put another way, those Somali pirates are still in business.

Thirdly, if we want our shores defended against the ~~Chinese Russians~~ Baddies, perhaps investing in ships specifically designed for the task - small, fast, stealthy and able to handle shallow waters - might be more sensible than trying to make the Royal Navy a poor imitation of its American big sister. Coastal defence craft go back a long way, from mediaeval and Renaissance galleys to revenue cutters and the monitors of the early steam age. Indeed, if we built a lot of small warships rather than a few very expensive large ones we might be able to justify having so many well-paid naval officers. This from 2008.

There are currently 41 admirals, vice-admirals and rear-admirals but with constant cuts the number of fighting ships in the Navy now stands at just 40.

Fifty

2011-11-01T07:48:00.001Z

I turned fifty on Sunday. I have no job - having worked continuously in the same post for over twenty years, I find myself adrift on the dark, chill seas of recession (or 'recovery', as our leaders so wittily put it). I often feel intensely alone and despair is a frequent visitor. I am - like many people - prone to mild depression. I look back at fifty years of life and see almost nothing to be proud of. A long record of might-have-beens and failures, of some minimal talent neglected or misused, of opportunities squandered. Above all I see a record of weakness and selfishness while so many people I know seem strong and generous.

Why go on? Partly, I think, because I have been fortunate in my friends. I have known so many good, kind people down the years. Dr Johnson, whose life was far from jolly at times, said a man should keep his friendships in good repair, and warned of the dire consequences if that simple advice is not followed. The wisdom of his words had never really struck me before. Bad-tempered old Tory he may have been, but he was right about the most important thing in life.

We should all keep our friendships in good repair.

Spooky Toon for Halloween

2011-10-31T08:59:00.001Z

Obliged to author Steve Duffy for this one...

If Purity Rings, Don't Answer

2011-10-28T22:28:00.001+01:00

I return to dear old Thomas Hardy and his relevance to modern religious wackaloonery. His novel Tess of the d'Urbervilles was subtitled 'A Pure Woman', a deliberate taunt to the Victorian idea of purity i.e. not having sex outside marriage. When she does actually marry a ghastly self-satisfied prig he confesses to her that he's had a bit of rumpy-pumpy and expects her to take it in her stride. Tess replies to the effect that she did essentially the same thing. Cue rejection of sinful woman by fine upstanding Christian gentleman, setting Tess on the road to perdition. A non-virgin bride was damaged goods (unless of course she was a widow). Thus Hardy, a feminist of sorts, fashioned a great tragedy around a double standard.

In America (where else?) the idea Hardy railed against has been revived by evangelical Christians (who else?) in the form of a rather creepy ceremony. It involves an under-age girl being given a Purity Ring by her father, and swearing - in some cases even signing a pledge - to remain a virgin till Dad gives her away to some lucky chap. If that's not creepy enough for ya, bear in mind these pledges are often made en masse, at Purity Balls (yes, that's what they're called). Or sometimes the girl walks down the aisle with her father in a facsimile of a wedding ceremony. And just to max out the creepitude, some of the girls are as young as seven. You can read more about it here.

Latest Roland Emmerich Movie Not Total Crap?

2011-10-27T18:24:00.001+01:00

Judging by this review, the 'Shakespeare didn't write those plays 'n' stuff' film could be quite fun, if only to watch a phalanx of Brit thesps struggle with terrible material and heroically bring home one of those wonderful Hollywood versions of non-American history. You know, the kind of film where somebody says 'Ah, Beethoven, who was that young officer shouting down your ear trumpet?' 'Eh? Oh, hello Mozart - I believe the whippersnapper's name is Napoleon something-or-other.'

Still, the show-business professionalism that “Anonymous” goes to such great lengths to disdain turns out to be its saving virtue. As a work of serious history, it is beyond useless. You would never know that Ben Jonson, played with thick-tongued mopiness by Sebastian Armesto, was a great comic writer, nor that Elizabeth was a shrewd and ruthless political operator, as opposed to the dreamy, dithering mooncalf depicted here. (Don’t get me started on poor Christopher Marlowe.) And yet there is no reason to deny Mr. Emmerich and Mr. Orloff the liberties that Shakespeare himself — and I do mean Shakespeare, the commercial entertainer, not some sad peer of the realm — was so free in taking.

Fair enough. But I'll bet the score isn't a patch on the lovely, uplifting music that graced the really great historical travesties of yesteryear. Am I just old and grouchy, or are movie soundtracks now so generic that the only ones you notice are the outrageously quirky efforts? Maybe 'Anonymous' has a few reggae numbers and a bit of Kraftwerk during the first performance of Richard II. You never know. Let's have some bangin' tunes from Erich Wolfgang Korngold.

Strange Cloud Doings

2011-10-26T21:15:00.000+01:00

Look at the centre of the picture and watch as strange stuff happens...

Behind The Seams - Mexican Pointy Boots

2011-10-23T08:44:00.000+01:00

Elementary... Or Just Plain Stupid

2011-10-22T11:17:00.000+01:00

A school board in the state of Virginia has banned the novel A Study in Scarlet. This is because it has less than nice things to say about Mormons. Really. (Let's hope these sensitive souls never read The Thirty-Nine Steps, which is staggeringly anti-semitic.)

The newspaper USA Today picked out the passage that seems to have caused offence.

(John Ferrier) had always determined, deep down in his resolute heart, that nothing would ever induce him to allow his daughter to wed a Mormon. Such marriage he regarded as no marriage at all, but as a shame and a disgrace. Whatever he might think of the Mormon doctrines, upon that one point he was inflexible. He had to seal his mouth on the subject, however, for to express an unorthodox opinion was a dangerous matter in those days in the Land of the Saints.

Conan Doyle does portray Mormonism as corrupt and tyrannical in this, the first Holmes story. But he only does so through the opinions of fictional characters. There is no authorial comment. One parent with a child at the school in question objected to any anti-Mormon sentiment, while about 20 pupils turned out to demonstrate in support of the book, which is a good thing. It's with the kids who love the book that the future lies. They 'get it'.

“Thursday’s vote was the culmination of the work of a committee commissioned to study the book and two discussions by board members.”
“More than 20 former Henley students turned out to oppose the book’s removal from the lists. Rising Western Albemarle High School ninth-grader Quinn Legallo-Malone spoke during public comment to oppose removal of the book. He called the work “the best book I have read so far.”

Alien Cast Photos (Or Nostromo Crew Pics, if you like)

2011-10-22T09:50:00.001+01:00

More of the same here.

Minute Physics: What is Dark Matter?

2011-10-21T21:01:00.000+01:00

Wall Street Shuffle

2011-10-21T20:49:00.000+01:00

There's a concerted attempt to downplay, demonise or otherwise edit out the Occupy Wall St movement, and its various global offspring. Some snotty people say the occupiers don't have a coherent ideology beyond protest. Well, woo-hooh; the implication is that a coherent ideological position makes you a better class of person. Like Robespierre, presumably, or Pol Pot. Closer to home, the people who started the Iraq War and would like to start bombing Iran have a coherent ideological position, and it's a dangerous, if not actually insane one. And of course these ideologues love the idea of pepper-spraying the OWS hippies back into the Stone Age.

The ideology of some protest movements is actually quite simple: 'According to what most of us think of as morality, the stuff you're doing is wrong.' And that's not a bad position to take. Anyway, the poll evidence in America suggests OWS is not being as widely hated, mocked or ignored as the Important People and their media stooges would like. This is because people know something: Wall St is where the bankers are.

Whence this fall — if not from grace (a state that few of us, and even fewer bankers, attain), then from the occasional decent opinion of humankind? At its root is the simple fact that the Wall Street banks over the past quarter-century have done none of the things that a financial sector should do. They have not helped preserve the thriving economy that America once enjoyed. They have not funded our boldest new companies. (That’s fallen to venture capitalists.) They haven’t provided the financing to maintain our infrastructure, nor ponied up the capital for manufacturing to modernize and grow here (as opposed to in China). Instead, they’ve grown fat on the credit they extended when Americans’ incomes stopped rising. They’ve grown plump on proprietary trading and by selling bad deals to suckers.

As it is there, so it is here, pretty much. When I was a lad, banks were quite staid and boring - buildings where you put your money. If you went to the bank to ask for money you had to see the manager so the man in charge could assess your worth. Yes, they never approached you offering credit.You practically had to beg. But there were already signs of the wonderful deregulated world that was to come...

Now bank are exciting, dynamic and very, very dangerous to the well-being of us all. They are widely seen as bandits, predators or con-artists, and are no longer respectable or trustworthy. I know which state of affairs I prefer, and it's the one that OWS would like to return to. And that - for all the untidy beards, crystals, interpretative dancing and drum circles on display - is a rather conservative position, when you think about it.

Hardy's Heart

2011-10-21T12:37:00.002+01:00

My friend Laura remarked that she was thinking of reading some Thomas Hardy. Or has been told she should, at least. So to put her off the whole idea, probably, here are some Hardy Facts:

1. The young Hardy fell in love with a cousin called Tryphena Sparks, though they never married. (Tryphena was born in Puddletown, Dorset.) Many of Hardy's heroines have similarly colourful names - Bathsheba Everdene, Eustacia Vye, and Cytherea Graye are all good ones.

2. Of his novels, Hardy best liked The Woodlanders, which has an interesting sub-plot involving hair. It also features a naughty dentist. It contains one of the few reasonably famous quotes from the novels - 'You were a good man, and did good things.' Yes, the good bloke is dead at this point, because that's how Hardy rolls.

3. The term 'cliffhanger' originated from Hardy's novel A Pair of Blue Eyes (1873), which was published in serial form. At the end of one episode Hardy left a character dangling from a cliff, seemingly beyond all hope of rescue. But crackingly-named heroine Elfride Swancourt has other ideas...

4. Hardy's body was buried in Westminster Abbey, while his heart was laid in Stinsford Churchyard next to his first wife, Emma. However, there is a persistent rumour that the heart was in fact pinched and eaten by the doctor's cat before it could be interred. It's said a pig's heart was laid next to Emma.

5. Thomas Hardy is the only great English novelist immortalised by Monty Python.

Lemony Snicket

2011-10-19T17:51:00.000+01:00

The children's author has visited New York's famous Wall St lately, along with other writers, and has come away with some thoughts. Among them are:

If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn’t mean you would be a midget if you were bald.

People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter—it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.

Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.

Another terrible movie - 3 in a row, boom boom

2011-10-19T15:43:00.000+01:00

The H-word

2011-10-19T09:11:00.002+01:00

From one dodgy film to another, now, and news of Hero Hitler in Love. If you click on the link you get

the theme tune, which does indeed inform you that Hitler is the hero, and he's in love. It's a Punjabi movie starring Babbu Maan. Erm, why the crazy title?

When asked why he has named the film with the name of one of history’s most despised tyrants, Maan, looking scruffy with day-old beard and messy hair, told a gathering of Indo-Canadian media in Surrey this week that the word Hitler in India is synonymous with villainy and hate and the filmmaker decided that the character he plays in the film should be aptly titled Hero Hitler. “We should not look at Hitler of Germany but the connotation of the word as it is applied in India,” Maan said. “Here it is used for irony and perhaps provocation but my filmmaking team felt that it was the right title for it and I agree.”

The film is apparently a love story that involves India-Pakistan reconciliation and car racing. Why this needs to involve a bloke called Hitler at all is not quite clear to me. He doesn't even have the right moustache.

Hitler and the whole Nazi vibe seem to play differently in India. This restaurant owner had to change the name after complaints. Who knew it might be offensive? But the fact that he was allowed to open it in the first place is telling. Then there's Dear Friend Hitler, a feature film released last year that featured Gandhi (who did visit Nazi Germany and in letters addressed the Fuehrer as 'Dear Friend') and the relatively obscure Indian National Army that fought against the British in WW2. It looks like quite a movie. Some interesting casting decisions.

Shake it!

2011-10-18T19:43:00.002+01:00

There's this new film that claims Shakespeare wasn't the author of Shakespeare's plays. It was really the Earl of Oxford, Edmund de Vere, apparently. Funny nobody at the time mentioned it, though.

You'd think that Ben Jonson, Shakey's great rival, wouldn't have wasted a minute writing that powerful stuff about 'Sweet Swan of Avon' if he'd known Willum Shakespoor (or however he spelled it) was a fraud. In fact, from what we know of Renaissance writers, they'd have been queuing round the block to piss on that grave in Stratford, just to underline the point. No way would any contemporary writer who knew the truth have suppressed it.

The first suggestion that Shakespeare was a front for somebody who'd been to uni - the Earl of Oxford, or Sir Francis Bacon, or Zombie Kit Marlowe - first arose in the Victorian era. Since then, nobody has amassed any solid evidence of a conspiracy to hide the true authorship of the plays and poems.

Still, just because an idea is silly doesn't mean you can't make a decent movie out of it. What makes this film, Anonymous, shoddy and contemptible is that Sony Pictures Inc. is distributing material for schools. In Texas this can be put alongside the biology textbooks that show Adam and Eve riding on pterodactyls.

Teachers are asked to hang a poster for the film on their classroom wall and to "read the film synopsis aloud prior to beginning the activities".

Now to me, this sort of thing is Orwellian. When right-wing hacks in the Sundays say something is Orwellian, it usually means they've been told to put their bottles in the right bin. Cue outrage over incipient dictatorship. But I strongly suspect that Nineteen Eighty-Four isn't really a warning about council wheelybin regulations. Orwell imagined a system in which truth is irrelevant and so the very concept of education is essentially meaningless; propaganda is all, culture is manufactured trash, and words exist only to be used by those in power to control the powerless majority. By those standards, Sony Pictures is right up there with the Ministry of Truth.

Anyway, here's Marlon Brando before he shoved all that stuff in his cheeks, probably talking about film producers.

Sigmund

2011-10-17T22:48:00.001+01:00

Ministry of Tofu

2011-10-15T13:30:00.005+01:00

... is the name of a blog that deals with matters Chinese. It isn't at all bad on politics, human rights etc. Some of the stories of everyday police brutality are quite shocking, I should warn you. But MoT also has some good quirky stories, with one headline that sort of leaped out at me...

Cabin crew worship cartoned fruit juice, praying for flights to be on time

They did as well. Really. There's even a picture.

I dare say this sort of thing suggests to some that there is something essentially alien (from a Western viewpoint) in Chinese culture. My own view is that people are superstitious the world over and cling to all sorts of irrational beliefs. I suspect that if Mao's communists hadn't been so thorough in their repression of old-time religion that we'd see little Buddist or Taoist shrines on airliners instead of, erm, fruit juice cartons.

Just to stress that 'they' aren't so different from 'us', there's a story about a Chinese student who hitchhiked 2,300 miles after reading Kerouac's On the Road and a shocking item on school bus crashes, contrasting China's approach unfavourably with that of the US.

People are much the same the world over - heroic or foolish, venal or decent, honest or deceitful by turns. Not sure if that's an optimistic viewpoint. Still, China - interesting. Important. Worth knowing more about.

Jesus H. Christ

2011-10-14T21:30:00.001+01:00

People making noises

2011-10-13T16:35:00.000+01:00

Sita Sings the Blues

2011-10-12T12:40:00.000+01:00

I finally got round to watching this amazing animation by Nina Paley, which tells the story of the Ramayana (ancient Indian epic) with a few modern twists. It's quite wonderful visually and a feast for the ears. I'd never heard of the singer Annette Hanshaw, but I think that's at least one CD I can buy my folks for Christmas. (They like a proper song, sung properly. You've got to be able to hear the words, y'know.)

Anyway, Sita Sings the Blues can be seen for free, legally, at the Internet Archive here. It's also available on YouTube. Oh, and there are lots of monkeys and stuff.

Amusing bear hammock malarkey

2011-10-11T19:58:00.000+01:00